My first thought this Valentine's Day was: ‘I don’t think I'll ever fall in love.’ And I'm not saying that looking for sympathy. Actually, quite the opposite.
For years, I was never sure it would happen, but I hoped that my fairytale would creep up on me while at a bus stop or train station, or maybe in a café like in romance novels. A prolific hopeless romantic, I spent my early teenage years crushing on guys at school and college, experiencing the gloomy depths of unrequited love, and hoping the guy I wrote songs about and shamelessly uploaded to Spotify would finally fall for me.
You’ve probably figured that it didn’t happen, because you’re reading this. But I’m not sad, worried or hurried to fall in love anymore, and as I’m approaching my mid-twenties, I’m no longer bothered – in fact, I think I’d go as far to say relieved.
It’s true – at age 24, I’m kind of relieved that I’ve never had sex, a boyfriend, or even my first kiss. I’ve never been on a proper date, and I’ve never got close to anything that could resemble a relationship. It seems inconceivable to most people I tell. Sure, I’ve had crushes, but nothing ever came to fruition, and because of the lack of a lover in my life, I believe I have become selfish and almost wrapped up in myself.
When we’re young we’re taught to want to find love, to plan our wedding in a scrapbook bursting with ideas, to strive to have a life that resembles something out of a rom-com – always serving the other person and making them happy – and because I didn’t ever do this I felt guilty for not conforming. I spent my late teens and early twenties excluded from the norm, and like the odd one out while friends got engaged to their long-term partners, moved into picturesque cul-de-sacs and welcomed babbling bundles of joy. But as I approach 25, the guilt of not conforming like my friends and online acquaintances has fizzled away, and has instead been replaced with long working hours, professional goals and doing the things in my free time that I want to do, instead of making somebody else happy.
It’s strange to think that while my friends are settling down, picking out wedding venues and having babies, I’m almost a 25-year-old virgin without any glimmer of a first kiss, let alone a relationship.
Because I never had any of my life taken up by romance or dates, I’ve become selfish. While not typically a desirable trait, selfishness has allowed me to carve out the life I want for myself. I now have less time than ever due to work and professional commitments, meaning I doubt I’ll ever have time to cultivate a healthy relationship, purely because I’m far too set in my ways to consider somebody else. It sounds slightly narcissistic, which isn’t exactly a good thing, but I prioritise work and my career too much to sacrifice it for going on a date that will lead nowhere, or wasting my time by chasing after somebody who has no intention of anything more than a hookup. Having never had a boyfriend, nor sex or my first kiss, I honestly feel as though getting into a relationship wouldn't benefit me or my life – I've never had one, so how could I possibly miss one?
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Being selfish isn’t exactly a desirable trait, but it’s one I’ve made peace with, just like the fact that I’ll probably never fall in love or have a boyfriend. I’ve tried and I’ve failed, taking the ‘one day it will sneak up on me’ approach, and in 2020 committing to the ‘modern-day dating’ approach via downloading a barrage of dating apps, trying my luck only to find I had none.
It was last year, after trying (unsuccessfully) to meet someone I liked on dating apps, that I freed myself from striving towards something I don’t believe would serve me. I left the boring, tedious and highly repetitive introduction messages of dating in the past, I threw away the hopes that love would sneak up on me, and I instead turned my attention inwards. It was hard to let go of something I had wanted my whole life, but it was important that I focused on myself and what I wanted to achieve in my life.
Not looking for love has led me to so much more than I ever thought – a carefree happiness that isn’t dictated by somebody else; a motivation to give myself a life full of beautiful things; a gratitude towards the life I’m carving out for myself; and a solitude that I bask in.
For Valentine's Day 2022, I’m dedicating time to myself, focusing on what I want, and reminding myself that it’s okay to be different, to be a virgin, to have never had a boyfriend, and to doubt you’ll ever have one. Being alone isn’t necessarily lonely, and in the same way people my age can’t bear to be out of a relationship, I couldn’t bear to be in one right now. I’m not saying that I’ll never fall in love or have sex; I’m simply in no rush and I’m no longer bothered that I’m the odd one out. In fact, I'm loving it.
