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A note: Today’s letter references two recent episodes of the “Love Letters” podcast. The summaries, for non-listeners: Episode 6 is about complicated stepparent relationships; episode 7 is about someone who learns, after many years of being a happy single woman, that partnership doesn’t have to mean losing your identity.
Q. I just listened to season 5, episodes 6 and 7 of the “Love Letters” podcast. I am a divorced dad of teens and have sworn to myself that I will not introduce anyone to my teenage kids until they are off to college. It just seems too selfish of me when I can just wait a bit and not disrupt their formative years, which were already disrupted enough with the divorce and the circumstances. I hear so many stories like that of you and your sister being deeply affected into adulthood by stepparent/partner situations. So while I do date a bit and have met some wonderful women, when I tell them it has to be on the side — away from my kids — for now, understandably a woman will think that either I am not that interested or they want to progress in developing a deeper personal relationship in their life right now, so we part ways. So I have labeled myself “not a girlfriend person.” I have wonderful adventures and personal development either on my own or with friends and family.
But then there was the podcast guest who is not a “boyfriend person” — someone who met someone and something switched. I am just worried that by shielding my kids for a few years I might miss out on that. I guess that’s the way it is. I am really hoping to find a woman I love, who is in the same situation and we can just spend time together away from kids and let them grow up. Does that make sense? Or will I regret this someday?
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-RADDAD5000
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A. Yes, as I mentioned in episode 6 of the podcast, my sister and I were affected by bad stepparent situations.
But let’s consider some of the reasons they were bad. a) Our parent prioritized the relationship over parenting; b) we never got time alone with said parent, so we found ourselves retreating because of the constant presence of this stepparent; and c) no one ever asked: “Is this OK for you? How do you feel?” (At least not from my memory.)
I did have some better experiences, though, with some people in my parents’ lives. When I was busy with high school and my mom met a nice guy at one point, I was thrilled, even though the relationship eventually ended. She was happy for a while, and I think a lot of us children of divorce want our parents to find love and joy, as long as it’s not at our expense. My mom and I always had a ton of alone time, and her dating life never threatened our connection.
My point is, you could wait until the kids are in college to date publicly, but honestly, what is college anymore? A kid could wind up studying remotely from home. Everything is up in the air right now. The better idea might be to drop the rules for yourself. Go into relationships letting people know that you’re conservative about introductions, and that you’d rather enjoy the relationship for a bit on your own than bring your kids into it before everyone is ready.
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Then see how you feel. A person might seem worthy in ways you never expected. I wouldn’t want you to lose someone with great potential because the person feels like a secret. Also, over time — even over months — your kids might seem different and ready. Honestly, because of this pandemic, I think a lot of kids have realized their parents are human. It was difficult to hide real feelings, especially for people in the same house.
I’m no parenting expert (obviously), but having gone through this a bunch of times, even as a grown-up, I’ll just say that based on my experience, there is a middle. You can fall in love with someone worthy and still let your kids know they’re the center of your world.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
My ex’s sister decided not to date until her kids grew up. They were young teenagers when she got divorced. By the time they were older, I think she didn’t have much interest or forgot how to meet men because she never had a boyfriend after that. And she had gone to the trouble of getting an annulment from the church so she would be free to get married again.
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LEGALLYLIZ2017
RadDad5000: I suspect that you’re using your kids’ ages as a cover for either being afraid of, or just having no interest in, getting serious about anyone. If you’re enjoying being single then as long as you’re honest about it with anyone you date, enjoy being single. The rules for introducing new people into your kids’ lives are: only after you’ve been exclusive for at least six months, and sleepovers happen when the kids are with the other parent.
JESNANA
I can see having a six- to 12-month rule, and only if she’s serious relationship material, but keeping a girlfriend secret from your kids for years? It’s your life and they’ll both be 18 before you know it, but it will narrow your choices for sure. Wouldn’t being more open with your kids be a healthier choice?
TWOWAVES
There’s a path forward here. Meet people, when it’s someone special talk to your kids — ask them what they’d like to know, etc. — and hold off on making any big steps before college. I agree.
USER–1944153
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.