You are here
Home > satire

Category: satire

RFK Jr. Launches Health Campaign Against “Antisemitism Plague”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Calling antisemitism a “deadly and virulent pestilence” that is “comparable to history’s most deadly plagues“, Health and Human Services chief Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has declared a public health emergency and announced a “warp speed rollout” of mRNA vaccines. “Antisemitism is worse than bubonic plague, leprosy, anthrax, botulism, and chicken pox all rolled into one,” Kennedy announced at this morning’s press conference. “Actually, it’s vastly worse than chicken pox. Have you ever had chicken pox? I have. I was six years old, and I got to skip school for a week. It was great! Kids these days don’t know…

FULL ARTICLE

Trump Unveils Plan to Screw World Leaders’ Wives, Gain Bargaining Leverage

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press US President Donald Trump announced plans to have sex with the wives of several key world leaders in hopes of gaining bargaining leverage over those countries and screwing them out of land, resources, and, above all, money. Trump has been quoted as saying that sex with other men’s wives is “what makes life worth living,” since it gives the adulterer an edge in negotiations. “The art of the deal is to screw people over, and the best way to screw people over is to screw their wives,” Trump explained. Trump said he intends to annex Canada while sharing…

FULL ARTICLE

Trump Launches MAGBA (Make America Great Big Again) & Appoints Dank Demoss Official Mascot

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press and False Flag Weekly News  as featured on Bitchute Acknowledging that America is never going to be great again, Donald Trump has added a “B” to his MAGA brand. The new plan, MAGBA, is to Make America Great Big Again. “Size counts,” Trump chortled at this morning’s press conference, pointing lewdly at his crotch. “So let’s make America YUGE!” Trump proceeded to ostentatiously sign an executive order adding over five million square miles to America’s girth by devouring Canada and Greenland and renaming the Gulf of Mexico “the Gulf of America.” The new supersized country will be renamed…

FULL ARTICLE

Israeli Women Lining Up for New Hamas Beauty Treatment

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In the wake of Israeli media claims that Hamas used a miracle health and beauty potion to make female hostages look pert, vivacious, and just downright gorgeous, thousands of Israeli women have breached the apartheid wall separating Israel from Gaza and are marching toward Hamas headquarters in hopes of being taken hostage. The huge parade of female Zionists thronging towards Hamas headquarters was captured by aerial drones: The beauty-potion stampede erupted after Israeli investigative journalists discovered the real reason why Hamas’s captives looked so stunningly attractive, and were so obviously enjoying the bloom of health and vitality, as…

FULL ARTICLE

Trump Revokes John Bolton’s Secret Service Protection, Tells Iran Where He Lives

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press President Trump revoked U.S. Secret Service protection for John R. Bolton yesterday, stripping his former national security adviser of the security detail he had been granted because of threats on his life from Iran, Mr. Bolton said on Tuesday. After withdrawing Bolton’s protection, Trump emailed Iranian Supreme Leader Khamenei a Google Earth image with an arrow pointing to Bolton’s house. Trump attached another photo to the email that appeared designed to facilitate identification of Bolton by would-be assassins. A copy of the email was obtained by Dissociated Press. It reads:    

FULL ARTICLE

Israeli National Anthem to Kick Off 2025 Super Bowl

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that the Israeli national anthem will kick off the 2025 Super Bowl at the Superdome in New Orleans, Louisiana. Though interpretations of the United States national anthem, The Star-Spangled Banner, have been performed since the first edition of the game in 1967, the NFL’s Board of Directors decided that this year will be different. In a statement issued today the NFL Board explained: “Our decision to stand with Israel has nothing to do with the fact that half the team owners are Jewish and the other half are intimidated. And it has…

FULL ARTICLE

Paging All Antisemites! Does Jonathan Greenblatt Have a Deal for You

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press ADL head Jonathan Greenblatt has announced a plan to capitalize on the explosive growth of antisemitism by selling a new line of pagers specifically designed for people Jews don’t like. The pagers will be 100% kosher, blessed by genocidal rabbis, and distributed to the billions of people around the world who frown on genocide. “Despite their low cost, these pagers will be made out of the highest quality explosives, I mean, materials,” Greenblatt explained. “We’re sure that antisemites will enjoy their special features.” Greenblatt predicted that after he blows up Earth’s roughly four billion antisemites, the remaining four…

FULL ARTICLE

US Sends Offerings to Yahweh to Appease Fire Gods

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In its last act in office, the outgoing Biden Administration has approved Congress’s appropriation of $666 million in offerings to Yahweh and his earthly representative, Benjamin Netanyahu. The massive sacrifice is intended to appease Yahweh and his crew of fire gods, who are suspected of burning down much of Los Angeles in retribution for America’s stingy refusal to spend itself into complete bankruptcy supporting Yahweh’s chosen people and their holocaust of Palestine. “Yahweh blesses those who bless him and curses those who curse him,” explained Rabbi Smutley Botox, Yahweh’s chosen representative for the 9th Congressional District of New…

FULL ARTICLE

Trump Vows to Invade & Occupy Everywhere and Name Everything After Himself

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Donald Trump announced this morning that upon being sworn in as president on January 20, his first act will be to invade various countries so he can name them after himself. After invading Greenland and renaming it Trumpland, Trump will invade Mexico to rename it Trumpxico, Canada to rename it Trump-a-duh, and Panama so he can steal the Panama Canal and rename it Trump Canal. He also plans to have Republican allies introduce legislation to rename the United States of America the United States of Trump. Following the Trumpification of North America and environs, the president-elect intends to…

FULL ARTICLE

David Frum: “Genocide Should Be a Description, Not an Insult”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The eminent Canadian Jewish intellectual David Frum has published a new article arguing that the term genocide should never be used pejoratively. In his Atlantic piece published yesterday, Frum argues that settlers who cross the seas to exterminate and expel native populations are actually perfectly nice people, and that the mass murders, rapes, and other crimes against humanity they commit should not be viewed negatively. Instead, he argues, we should take a neutral, detached view of the people who rape people to death with batons, make national heroes of the rapists, murder children and feed their corpses to dogs,…

FULL ARTICLE
1 2 3 … 18