By Mordecai Putz, Certified Scuba Diving Instructor, for Dissociated Press My name is Mordecai Putz. I run the Putz Diving School in New Jersey. Unfortunately hardly anybody wants to dive in Newark Bay. I get that. It’s a Superfund site. The good news is that the government pays me not to dive there. You know, the same way they pay…
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Dissociated Press US president Donald Trump has appointed Walter Sobchak, best known for his cameo appearances in The Big Lebowski, to head the Department of Homeland Security’s new Nihilistic Violent Extremism Response Team. According to the FBI, the threat of nihilistic violent extremism (NVE) has been rising as people lose faith in everything and turn to horrific extortion plots against…
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Dissociated Press In a pointed riposte to Russian nuclear threats, US President Donald Trump has ordered America’s nuclear submarine fleet to the “shores of Moscow.” Trump’s move was a response to former Russian President Medvedev’s threatening tweet: Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth conveyed Trump’s order to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who explained that Moscow doesn’t have any shores, but…
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I’ve been deplatformed from Facebook, Youtube, Patreon, and Stripe. I stopped getting invited on RT when its CEO was beaten to death with a baseball bat and a new anti-9/11-truth management was installed. And Fox News quit bringing me on almost 20 years ago. But yesterday one of America’s biggest and most venerable platforms offered me a paid position! I just…
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Dissociated Press US President Donald Trump has ordered the Department of Homeland Security to deport “anyone who believes in the Democrat-invented Jeffrey Epstein hoax, wants the so-called Epstein Files released, or even mentions the name Jeffrey Epstein.” Trump’s order, issued in a rambling late night tweet, will require DHS to obtain lists of “Epstein terrorists” from Palantir and send masked…
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Dissociated Press Attorney General Pam Bondi called a press conference this morning to announce that Jeffrey Epstein’s client list has been located. She said she had accidentally misplaced it on her cluttered desk, under a crumpled grocery list beside a scanner, partially hidden by a charging station with tangled cords and devices. As Bondi started to read the names on…
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Dissociated Press White House sources announced this morning that the Jeffrey Epstein mystery has been solved, and that everyone can go back to doing whatever they were doing before they learned that most American leaders, including President Trump, are blackmailed pedophiles. In a joint press conference with President Trump, Attorney General Pam Bondi claimed that the “missing minute” from the…
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Dissociated Press According to a White Horse Souse interviewed by Poof! Magazine, US President Trump will avenge his recent loss to Iran by dropping billions of tons of marshmallows on Iranian nuclear sites. The top secret operation, codenamed Operation Midnight Marshmallow, aims to render Iran’s nuclear sites unusable by engulfing them in a sticky, gooey, sickeningly sweet morass of spongy…
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Dissociated Press In the wake of a musical act’s discriminatory hate speech targeting the Israeli Defense Forces, the US and UK governments have issued a joint statement making genocide perpetrators a protected category. Both governments’ new, amended protected category list now reads as follows: Categories of People You Aren’t EVER Allowed to Be Mean to, or Even Critical of, in…
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Dissociated Press Donald Trump said yesterday that his National Intelligence Director, Tulsi Gabbard, “is wrong” in her assessment that Iran is not building a nuclear weapon. He then fired Gabbard, issued an executive order abolishing the office of National Intelligence Director, and replaced it with the new office of National Stupidity Director. “Only an unbelievably stupid advisor will advise me…
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