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How Can I Help? 23 Ways to Support Someone Going Through a Tough Time
My husband died unexpectedly in February 2017. He was 32 years old. It was devastating, the kind of tragic loss that you can’t imagine ever bouncing back from. I’ll never forget having to deliver the news to family and friends, the disbelief and shock that we all felt. More a year later, that disbelief still persists.
Before long, the questions came: How can I help? What can I do?
I discovered two things pretty quickly. First, it’s hard to answer those questions when you’re in so much pain. “Um, can you bring my husband back to life?” was all I wanted to answer. Second, those questions — despite their kind intentions — wind up putting a lot of pressure on someone who’s already going through a lot.
Instead of asking, it’s better to just do something.
Some things are best done immediately, like bringing food over or making sure your friend has child/pet/house support in the early weeks. But a lot of the gestures of kindness I received were most meaningful because they occurred months and months after my husband’s death. There’s nothing quite like feeling all alone, only to be reminded that you’re loved thanks to a surprise package or unexpected text.
I thought I’d compile a list of some of the especially thoughtful, creative, and helpful things that friends did for me over the course of the past year. If you know someone going through a tough time, this can help you skip those dreaded questions and be a hero instead.
Chicken soup by mail. Forget Edible Arrangements. Chicken soup is some of the best comfort food out there, and receiving it on your doorstep is surprisingly delightful. I later sent this same soup to another friend who had lost a spouse, and he reported similar levels of surprise and delight.
Cards and notes. There is never a bad time to send a card or thoughtful letter. On the one-year anniversary of my husband’s death I received a sheepish note from a friend who apologized for her lateness; she said it took forever to figure out the right thing to say. You know what? I didn’t care! I thought getting a card one year later was lovely, and I totally understood that she struggled to find the right words. (Pro tip: Saying or writing “I don’t know what to say, except that I’m sorry,” is hugely comforting.) Try and avoid generic sympathy cards if you can — they make a depressing situation more depressing. Emily…
